Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Pastor Search Committee Report

The following is a confidential report on several candidates being considered for our church leader.

In our search for a suitable pastor, the following scratch sheet was developed for your perusal. Of the candidates investigated by the committee, only one was found to have the necessary qualities.

  • Adam: Good man but problems with his wife. Also one reference told of how his wife and he enjoy walking nude in the woods.
  • Methuselah: Too old . . . WAY too old!
  • Noah: He has 120 years of preaching experience, but no converts. Prone to unrealistic building projects.
  • Abraham: He took off to Egypt during hard times. We heard that he got into trouble with the authorities and then tried to lie his way out and may have offered to share his own wife with another man.
  • Melchizedek: Great credentials at current work place, but where does this guy come from? No information on his resume about former work records. Every line about parents was left blank and he refused to supply a birth date.
  • Joseph: A big thinker, but a braggart, believes in dream interpretion, and has a prison record.
  • Moses: A modest and meek man, but poor communicator. He stutters, and his former congregation says he loses his temper over trivial things. Sometimes blows his stack and acts rashly. Some say he left an earlier church over a murder charge.
  • Deborah: Strong leader and seems to be anointed, but she is female.
  • David: The most promising leader of all until we discovered the affair he had with his neighbor's wife. He therefore has an unacceptable moral character. He might have been considered for minister of music had he not 'fallen.'
  • Solomon: Great preacher, but serious woman problem. He has a reputation for wisdom but fails to practice what he preaches. And our parsonage would never hold all those wives.
  • Elijah: Prone to depression. Collapses under pressure. He proved to be inconsistent.
  • Elisha: Reported to have lived with a single widow while at his former church.
  • Hosea: A tender and loving pastor but our people could never handle his wife's occupation. His family life is in a shambles. Divorced, and remarried to a prostitute.
  • Isaiah: On the fringe? Claims to have seen angels in church. Has trouble with his language. Rumored to have spent two years as a nudist.
  • Jeremiah: Emotionally unstable, alarmist, negative, seemingly uncontrollably depressed, reported to have taken a long trip to bury his underwear on the bank of a foreign river. Some say a real 'pain in the neck.'
  • Amos: A country hick. Too backward and unpolished. With some seminary training he might have promise, but has a hang-up against wealthy people--might fit in better in a poor congregation. Comes from a farming background. Better off picking figs.
  • Jonah: On his phone interview claimed he refused God's call into ministry until he was forced to obey by getting swallowed up by a great fish. He told us the fish later spit him out on the shore near here. We hung up.

  • John: Lacks tact and dresses like a hippie. Says he is a Baptist, but definitely doesn't dress like one. Has slept in the outdoors for months on end, has a weird diet, and provokes denominational leaders. Would not feel comfortable at a church potluck supper.
  • Peter: Too blue collar. Aggressive and a loose cannon. Has a bad temper-even has been known to curse. Had a big run-in with Paul in Antioch. Was heard to have even denied Christ publicly.
  • Paul: Powerful CEO type leader and fascinating preacher. However, we found him to lack tact, He is too harsh and unforgiving with younger ministers, His appearance is contemptible, and he preaches far too long. Has been known to preach all night.
  • James & John: Package deal preacher & associate seemed good at first, but found out they have an ego problem regarding other fellow workers and seating positions. Threatened an entire town after an insult. Also known to try to discourage workers who didn't follow along with them.
  • Timothy: Has potential, but is much too young for the position.
  • Jesus: Has had popular times, but once his church grew to 5000 he managed to offend them all, and then this church dwindled down to twelve people. He tends to offend church members with his preaching, especially Bible scholars. He is also too controversial. He even offended the search committee with his pointed questions. Seldom stays in one place very long. And, of course, he's single.
  • After much consideration and discussion, our choice for our new pastor is:

  • Judas: Solid references. A steady plodder. Conservative. Good connections. Knows how to handle money. He seems to be very practical, cooperative, cares for the poor, and dresses well. We're inviting him to preach this Sunday. Strong possibilities here. We all agreed that he is just the man we are looking for to fill the vacancy as our Senior Pastor.

Thank you for all you have done in assisting us with our pastoral search.

Sincerely,
The Pastoral Search Committee.